The Midlife Nurse

Last night while eating leftover noodles from my children’s takeaway (I don’t order for me I just sweep up their leftovers 😳) and watching Vera reruns on catch up in the oversized clothes my uni daughter left behind, an old family friend face timed me. When I say old I mean from my childhood not old in age 🙄 although she is a handful of years older than me – anyway her parents and mine were besties back in the day. We have only recently reconnected. She asked me if I’d lost who I was with the menopause and I replied, “of course not! I know who I am, have always known and never forgotten the fabulous me – ‘she’ has just been tucked beneath the surface of motherhood, divorcee and the 50-hour-a-week-nurse. But ‘she’ is always there ready re emerge. We then chatted inanely about bowel habits, anxiety and goodness only knows what else but then my phone battery cut out. When I’d recharged I found this message from my friend:

I’ve always loved you. When we were little you asked me once “ do you know where my daddy is ?” ( he was “ away” at the time), you were so solemn and sad , I said “ yes, I know where he is” and you cried and sat on my lap. It made me care so much about you. And over the long years after that , I wondered about you. You have turned into a warrior queen.. and I’m very proud of who you are and what you have achieved. We have so much to talk about .. and we will soon. Menopause has been quite shattering for me ( hysterectomy, thyroid packed up , guts gone bonkers, got fat, got arthritis, etc etc) BUT I am starting to feel I’m coming out the other side…. And I question, what next??? Big love darling ( and I will get antibiotics tomorrow before my whole head goes septic) xxxxx

So to answer her original question have I lost myself? Yes. I think after all, I have, but not because of menopause but regardless of menopause and she has just reminded me of who I once was – vulnerable, scared and unloved. My fight against anxiety and hormonal fluctuations is just a cover to hide whatever I’ve suppressed and need to exorcise only now BECAUSE of the menopause, I feel less able to cope with that thought. So masking it in laughter and humour seems like the safer option. Does that resonate with anyone ????

My darling friend – probably the only person I know still living who will have known little Katie, thank you for tapping into that inner child who lives on within me.

May we all find our inner child and sit with them, hug them and say it’s ok not to be ok, you are also a warrior queen too ❤️