The Midlife Nurse

Some days are excruciating. The cloud that hangs over me can last an hour – or days and days. They talk about the black dog that is associated with depression, but what is the weight of menopause anxiety called? Are we allowed to even call it a thing? It’s like an invisible force that takes your shape and clings tightly to every pore, and feels like everything is done and experienced in slow motion. It feels like a brick in my chest, a voice in my head saying “they hate you” – “she’s laughing at you”, “he is relieved to have left you”. My boss wonders how to assist me to hand my notice in. My friends thinks I’m a drain. I feel like My life is limited – that if i were to slope off or slip away everyone will be relieved and move on, maybe without noticing. and I wouldn’t be in any emotional pain. I’m tired. My body is physically screaming at me – my back is aching, I spend hours on the toilet because of my colitis. I had a meeting yesterday at work with people who I was convinced hated me – when it ended I had three consecutive nose bleeds. The last nose bleed l had was about 20 years ago. I look old. Drained. Tired. Ugly. Fat. Dry skinned. I have let my children down in the worst way possible by driving away their fathers, and being emotionally and physically unavailable to them.

Then…… as quickly as it descended …. the clinging shroud lifts. I feel the irrational thoughts and fears melt away and my actual reality is that no one hates me, my children adore me, my friends think I’m fabulous and work colleagues and managers respect me. I’m not ugly, fat, boring or any other horrible word to describe unkind opinion. The kind, exuberant, fun, attractive, intelligent Katie is back in the room.

We all have dark thoughts, negative feelings and down days – sometimes even down weeks. The menopause makes us feel as though we are defined by it. But we are NOT and that’s what we have to hold onto tightly too who we are at our core.

I’m no celebrity with the resources to pioneer for menopause awareness. But I am a 50+ year old woman who has been hit hard by it. And therefore my voice is as valid as theirs even if I do not have the platform that they do. Hats off to them for publicly championing this and hats off to every average woman leading an average life who sometimes feels that their average life is more than is deserved when the shroud engulfs ❤️